The Long, Sad Tale of WOE

Posted on by
Reply

First, this isn’t sadfishing. Honest. Just a combination of venting, warning, and attempting to laugh at the ridiculousness of life as it is in this bizarre timeline we’ve found ourselves in. We’re okay. Shaken, sure, but essentially still in the good fight. 

Why is it that it has taken me so freaking long to get to this blog? To get my storefront layouts done? To hangout on social media? It’s a long, sad, tale of woe (therefore the title! 🤣) With a deeeeep breath, I’ll dive in, and hopefully keep this under 1000 words!

First, a little background. Hubs and I are both diabetic. I’m not yet stabilized (I’m working on it!) and he is. He’s actually able to control his sugars with just diet and exercise. Yep, I’m jealous. We’ve got a lot of other little problems as well, I like to call refer to them as “the death of 1000 cuts” because nothing individually is life threatening, but altogether they’re complicated.

During the pandemic, two of those complications happened to Hubs. First, there was a blocked blood vessel behind his left eye. This meant that he’d be having a series of injections in that eye. (YIKES) Second, after his second Covid Jab, he developed Shingles. In his right eye.

Let’s say right here and now, Vaccines are a mixed blessings. The Vaxx that protects us from Covid can mess with the immune system of those of us who are compromised, and that’s what happened to Hubs. However, the Vaxx for Shingles protected MY BUTT, so I’m more than a little appreciative of that. Everyone has to pick their poisons, but let me tell you, as someone who has never even had Chicken Pox, I was EXTREMELY eager to get that Vaxx, and I’ll forever be happy about that decision. Shingles is nothing to mess with.

Hubs is currently employed in an extremely visual craft, working for an architectural engineering firm where he’s responsible, primarily, for the layout of plumbing and fire protection. Tiny lines. Everywhere. Not easy to do when both eyes are compromised.

After steadily improving for over two years in his right eye (the Shingles eye), he suddenly had difficulty seeing again. (I was extremely lucky that I was able to get my cornea surgeries in while he was able to drive in between!). The glaucoma doc said there wasn’t anything else he could do, and sent him to another specialist. Thankfully, it was the same doctor who’d done my corneal surgeries. We absolutely trust her and adore her, honestly. She’s freaking amazing.

We’re in an HMO, of course, and so armed with the appropriate referral from his PCP, we made the appointments and continued with treatment. Turned out that Hubs had two ruptures in his right eye. Two. Ulcers, she called them. No idea how that happened, and we were a little freaked out, especially when she said that one of those was extremely large, looked like it was getting longer, and it was deep. If it got deeper, it could actually cause his eye to…well, burst. All the liquid from his eye would come pouring out and…alright, we were freaking out with good reason.

After trying several things, and doing many tests, emergency surgery was finally set up about two weeks later. Emergency enough for her to schedule him in the morning before her office hours. Thankfully, there’s a surgery center attached to her practice, so we got there really early in the morning on July 1st and she sewed the large ulcer together, and then his eyelid was sewn shut so that it would heal properly without stress.

In the meantime, I was diagnosed with a retinopathy. Fortunately, it was caught early enough that our retinal doctor (the same one giving Hubs injections in his left eye) said I’d be able to have the laser procedure instead of injections. Whew. That’s the second time my vision diagnosis has been what I refer to as a “one and done.” Surgery was scheduled, and I made the call to get my referrals.

Now, we’re in a bit of a flashback here, because my retinopathy diagnosis actually happened a couple of weeks before the surgery for Hubs’ right eye. Mid-June, to be exact. The week before my procedure, the eye clinic called me to cancel my appointment. They were no longer taking referrals from our primary doctors’ practice.

WTF??!!??

It took some poking around, but I found the reason. After several phone calls to the insurance company and doctors offices, I found it on Google. Of course I did. The doctors’ practice had filed for bankruptcy. Neither our doctors, nor the insurance company was aware of that. OR at least our doctors offices didn’t admit to it. This practice had over 40 doctors and almost a thousand patients. It’s possible the doctors knew, or some did and some didn’t. At any rate, they had not yet informed their patients OR our insurance company. I’ve no idea if they told any of the others.

So hey, Luigi? I get you. I didn’t go there, but I totally feel it.

We were informed by the insurance company that specialists’ contracts were in effect until October. We were given continuation or transition of care forms, and were told to pay the specialists up front and remit ourselves for payment, so that’s what we’ve been doing. It’s painful, because it’s a lot of money up front. Especially for surgery. And those injections are about a grand a piece.

The end of of this story? Our doctors’ practice declined to sign a new contract with our insurance company because they wanted more money per capita from them. Greedy bastards. This means that we’re no longer able to see our doctors, and for someone with a LOT of medical anxiety, that really hurts me. But I kept my therapist, so that’s a kind of fair trade. I might be alright. The only other doctors in our town were booked through December 2027, but we found some that weren’t too far away with a much larger practice through a local hospital. We’ll have to readjust, it’s a different hospital, different specialists. Hubs is debating paying out of pocket for our retinal doctor, because he’s out of network now, but he keeps his other specialists and gets back his endocrinologist so that’s just about even.

Will I ever go back? I’ll want to, that’s for sure. My doctor is…amazing. Sheesh, I still think of her as “my doctor.” But I can’t trust that practice now. Hubs is going to be looking for a job soon (a whole different tale of woe), so our insurance might change but still, they dropped the ball big time by not giving anyone warning ahead of time, and then being greedy and refusing a new contract. I’ve never before even heard of a medical practice declaring bankruptcy, so I feel they’re horribly mismanaged. I keep hoping my doctor will move to a different practice and solve it all for me, but I’m not her only patient, I know that.

The good news? We’ll never need another referral to see the doctor who just did Hubs’ eye surgery…

Hopefully I’ll be around more often now. This week was the first week with only one medical appointment, so our schedule is mellowing out significantly. I’m getting more work done too, just finished laying out all the Anubis products! He’s looking magnificent, as He should!

Again, I’m not begging for likes 😉but I’d love any likes or comments you’d feel like leaving me. Needless to say, it’s been a rough couple of months! Thanks as always for reading! Until next time…

~*~Camylleon~*~

Autism-Adjacent, Part Two: Hopefully a Conclusion

Posted on by
Reply

I have to begin this post with an apology. I haven’t been ignoring you all, It’s been a helluva roller coaster ride with health issues around here. Enough for a completely different post…

So, now where did I leave off…? Oh, yeah. The BIG, BAD DIAGNOSIS!

To be absolutely honest, I was aware of this “condition.” I’ve known since childhood. Thing is, I also honestly thought it didn’t fit me anymore. Like I grew out of it or something.

I guess not.

I was too ashamed to admit this publicly at first. It’s just embarrassing, especially as it’s not a “real” diagnosis. If you ask me, it ought to be. It’s every bit as difficult, socially and mentally, as the two (or more) conditions its related to. Problem is that, much like autism, people who don’t have the condition would never believe it. The bullying alone is damaging enough.

Granted, there are a lot of my “side conditions” that haven’t got much at all to do with the BIG diagnosis. Then again, there are definitely some that came right from it or were indirectly a cause. Like my anxiety, for instance. I do still believe I was genetically more vulnerable to that. However, my Mom had been badly bullied as a child and so was incredibly worried about me when it started to affect me as early as Kindergarten. So, what did she do? Like anyone trying to protect a child, she helicoptered. She and the mother of a friend of mine who was also a bullying victim, started a Brownie group. She was a room mother at my school. She was constantly watching me out the kitchen window unless I was at someone else’s house. I had very strict rules as far as where I was allowed to go and when, and even in the summer we were in the house after dinner, which was at the ridiculously early hour of 4 pm. Those are just examples, of course. There was so much, much more. But in understanding her, I can’t blame her. I just focus on my own healing.

So, what on EARTH is the big, bad diagnosis?

Well, this Venn Diagram is it. Yep. I’m not Autistic. It’s not ADHD, it’s not even OCD which is another affiliated condition (although I do have many similarities with that one, too…dammit.)

No, I’m GIFTED. WTF. Seriously. This is another one of those situations where people who have no idea what this means think it’s a “good” condition. Take a look at this diagram, though. Good? No. Honestly. It’s like people who have been plagued by the dead since they were children which is also called a “gift.” If you’ve ever met someone who encountered these Spirits as children, I’d say I doubt that it’s a gift. Seems more often to be a curse to those who suffer with it. And it’s the same thing with me. If you think being a teacher’s pet is hard, imagine what the entire school knowing your “gifted” does. It ain’t no fun, I’ll tell you that.

And although I know all that having lived with it all my life, it’s something I did start beginning to believe I’d grown out of it. Everyone else in the world had somehow caught up to me, I was completely normal. I don’t know. Maybe that was my self-defense system finally kicking in. Unfortunately, one of the major differences between gifted and autism is in the realm of emotion. My emotions are…insanely intense. INSANELY. I can’t hold them in, I can’t pretend I feel differently, I’ve never had to “mask” to fake emotions but damn straight I wish I’d been able to mask to hide my emotions.

That just made the bullying worse. When a bully smells blood in the water like that, they don’t stop, they beat harder. Then, to complicate things even further, I had no understanding from my home life. I was constantly told to toughen up, it wasn’t that big a deal, fight back with words. Granted, my words are one of my strongest weapons, but have I mentioned I don’t “fight or flight?” Nope. I “freeze or fawn.” That makes it DAMN hard to think quick and fight back with words or not.

Things were briefly better for me in Junior High as I had a large group of “outcast” friends. We looked out for each other. Three of them had been in my grade school class with me. Which was, btw, for “gifted children.”

My husband and his brother were in that class with me as well. 😉

The additional complication that gifted people have, above and beyond the symptoms and the bullying, is the profound feeling of failure and depression that occurs. No matter what you do or where you are in life, you’re not up to the expectations everyone placed on you as a gifted child. My life hasn’t been easy because of that. I expected the absolutely best just like everyone else did for me. At the end of the day, however, I failed at working, I failed at finances, I failed at a business, and to add salt to the wound (womb?) we were unable to have children making me a failure at even being a woman, a very basic thing. Maybe even the most basic. On top of all the oddities and eccentricities in my behavior that put the target on my back, the expectations of myself and others caused a lot of mental anguish. But, you know, I wasn’t supposed to actually show those feelings.

If you’re wondering, yes, you can have more than one condition the answer is, “yes”. Some of you might be even more complicated than you knew. It’s kind of hard-to-find resources online about adult gifted people. There are a few books on the subject, but to be honest I haven’t read any of them yet, so I can’t honestly recommend them. When I do, I’ll be sure to share them here.

And here we are at over 1000 words again. I told you my words are my weapons! Feel free to ask me anything you want. I guess it’s out on the table for the world to see now. Therapy is very helpful for this. My self-esteem is slowly coming back, my anxiety is slowly receding, and I’m starting to understand the things that trigger me. I can’t say that I have embraced being “gifted,” as I don’t know that I feel gifted yet.

I guess that’s the next mountain to climb.

And I don’t usually say this, but “likes” and comments would be warmly welcomed. This is probably the hardest blog I’ve written yet.

~*~ Camylleon~*~

Autism-Adjacent, part One

Posted on by
Reply

I believe I’ve made a few references to my mental health battles here. Maybe not much specifically, but little hints here and there. Some might have assumed these were jokes but I assure you, they’re not. 🙂 With that in mind, I figure I might want to actually explain what that journey has entailed.

I can’t believe I made it this far into my life without therapy, honestly. The first time I saw my primary care doctor, which is going on 6 or 7 years now, she immediately had the nurse drag in the EKG chart and hook me up; my heart was racing that badly. Panic attack? Likely, only I didn’t know what that was. I mean, how do you explain what that feels like to someone who has never had one? They’re all so individual or at least can be. I now know that one of my reactions is a throbbing in my lower back, and sometimes the entire world turns yellow. No one’s ever said anything about panic attacks like that to me.

I thought it was a heart attack. Kinda glad it was “only” a panic attack.

One of the many traumas in my life that I’ve had to deal with is one I’m sure many, many women will relate to. Horrible doctors that minimally don’t listen and maximally berate you, or worse. I hadn’t had a decent doctor who listened in ages at this point, aside from the doctor at that practice who had moved on and abandoned me, and I’d only seen him for about 2 years.

Needless to say, when my PCP got the test results from the EKG and I broke down in tears, she sat down to talk to me. I bawled and explained that I felt like I had some sort of medical PTSD. When I first attempted to get my neuropathy diagnosed (I was pretty sure by this point I knew what it was), the first doctor didn’t even look at my feet or send me to a specialist or anything but write me a couple of prescriptions. The second doctor had told me there was a 40% chance we’d never know what was wrong with my feet, but when I asked about a specialist, she said there wasn’t any need for that.

Right.

But finally, I found a doctor (female, of course) who was listening to me. Not only did she write me my first prescription for anxiety medication, and send me to a therapist, but she also sent me immediately to someone when I complained of menstrual issues. The absolutely WONDERFUL (female) doctor I saw for that caught the endometrial cancer and sent me to a WONDERFUL gynecological oncologist who got me in for surgery 5 days after I saw her with the diagnosis. 5 years later, I’m still clean, and I hope to stay that way.

Long way around, I’m sure, but that’s the background for how I finally got help.

As you can see, and probably know, or at least likely can understand, some of my issues were caused by direct circumstances. Attending what should have been a fairly normal, mainstream church during a particularly fervent Charismatic Movement messed me up, sure. But when combined with an authoritarian father who was really a Baptist in Episcopalian clothes and my innate need for his approval, well, it did double damage. They either refer to that as religious trauma or sometimes religious PTSD. I’ve got issues, like many people, because of bullying throughout my public-school career. Anxiety, just a touch of OCD, social anxiety to the point of avoidant personality disorder, and a little privacy issue. Just a little. Yeah, there’s event-based damage that I can track back, and have traced some of it.

But then, there seem to be issues that were just always there. I wrote on the wall inside my mom’s closet “why doesn’t anyone love me” when I was six. I remember getting stomachaches and not wanting to go to school in kindergarten. I used to hide in my closet to be alone, to the point my parents would freak out and start looking for me. Something was going on genetically, I assumed.

After a false start with a therapist who sucked, at least for me, I ended up with the person I see now who is phenomenal. Perfect for me. Grew up in the same town as I did, even knew some of the same people although she’s a few years older. Her sister was a Wiccan and into ghost hunting, so she knows what I’m talking about in the largest and most important parts of my life. Also, that same sister who unfortunately departed the mortal plane too soon, was trans. She gets my life, my point-of view. I don’t worry about judgment. Phew.

So, the time came when I had a question to ask her. I’d been on TikTok (bad idea, btw), and seen many, many, many people discussing being autistic. I’d picked up a lot, but at the same time many of those people were self-diagnosed. No judgment there, because I understand how hard it is for most people to get therapy and treatment for their mental health. Self-diagnosis is often all they’ve got.

At the same time, I wasn’t sure then, how accurate they were. I had so many “symptoms” that were similar to autism. SO FREAKING MANY!!! Hyperfixations, anyone? I’ve got my share and then some. I’ve been studying cults and religion since grade school. If you want a good genealogist, find someone with a hyperfixation, you won’t regret it. I am amazing at research. If I want to know something, I will not stop until I do. All the food I hate is because of the texture. I will not wear polyester, and you can’t make me. The feel of that is just…slimy…I’m cringing even thinking about it. And of course, there’s more.

When I brought that up to my therapist she smiled broadly, which did worry me slightly, I’ll admit. But she said, “you’re ready for your diagnosis.”

OMG, I’m over 1000 words already! Since attention spans are so small these days, I guess I’ll have to put the rest in a part two. See you there!

Open Acts of Rebellion

Posted on by
Reply

Yes, that’s right, I’m dipping my toe back into politics again. The times being as they are, I’m particularly angry at the patriarchy. Well, more than normal. More than before the elections. Gee, I wonder why. (Obvious sarcasm is obvious) So this is a warning that if politics aren’t your thing, you might not want to stick around. Also, this post will most definitely appeal more to women, both cis and trans, and some of our fluid friends, and less-so to those concretely cis or trans male. There will also be mentions, likely brief, of my own mental health journey. You have been warned! 

I’m pretty sure that I’ve mentioned, a few times, that I have some neurodivergence issues as well as anxiety and a whole mess of other fun stuff running around in my head. Some of it was a result of bullying and, well, parental issues. Most people can relate to all that, I’m sure. One of the side-effects was an absolutely abysmal self-esteem.

When I say abysmal, I mean I told my therapist I hate my face, and I meant it.

I’ve learned a bit about my dysfunctions now, and I’ve taken some steps to work on it. As progress came around and I stopped hating my face and moved into at least tolerating it, I started thinking about cosmetics.

There were a few other coincidental things that happened at the same time, like the mention of different influencers by someone I was already watching. Coincidence or divine intervention? Probably both, given my life.

You might have noticed, also, that a whole mess of people, mostly identifying as women, have been sporting bright red lipstick. When I looked into it, I found the rumor? Urban myth? That Hitler hated red lipstick and so it was considered patriotic during the WWII era.

AOC is one of the most well-known women with red lips these days aside from Taylor Swift. I’d have added her picture, but I don’t want to get sued!

Now, I can see that as a definite possibility as to why it’s popular now. But honestly, it’s a lot more complicated than that. Most things are, aren’t they?

So, as it turns out, nope. Hitler didn’t actually care about red lipstick in particular That was, and is, a myth.

However, its complicated, amirite? First off, red lipstick was one of the first lipsticks ever created. The Egyptians rocked it, for Pete’s sake.

As far as the “Western” (aka “white”) world goes, lipstick was “created” (because everything we ever do is new) so the man’s lips could be seen in all that hair when beards were all the rage. And because the male ego is so fragile in our patriarchy, they stopped using it as soon as women did, just like high heels and the color pink. Wimps.

Women have been fighting the patriarchy about makeup ever since. It was considered very naughty, like wearing pants, drinking, and smoking. We weren’t supposed to do it. Good girls didn’t. Like we weren’t supposed to have jobs, vote, or think. Let’s face it, that idea has survived through centuries now. Hell, I remember calling red lipstick “FMR” when I was in high school; “f*ck me red.” Good girls didn’t.

Thankfully, some of us didn’t listen.

During the suffragist movements of the early 1900s, red lipstick came out as a power move, a method of rebellion, of not taking the direction of men anymore. As far as “Christian western” civilization goes, that was the beginning.

If you’re thing is history and makeup, this channel is the BOMB. (Did I just date myself? Probably. *shrug*)

As Erin says in the video above, Hitler didn’t care. It cracks me up that Ava Braun had a tube of “Montezuma Red” on her dressing table, because the truth of WWII is that red lipstick was used against women. It was less about being patriotic or fighting Fascism, and more about being beautiful to maintain the men’s morale. Eye candy. Great. That kind of takes the entire point of the power of red lipstick away.

But let’s take another look at history, and culture right here. As much as Hitler didn’t hate red lipstick, it wasn’t encouraged for the most part. Women aside from those close to positions of power, were wearing the “natural look.” Women who wore makeup were considered cheap or tacky or, heaven forbid, “whores.” Sound familiar? Yeah, I’ve heard the same BS coming out of the mouths of MAGA members and incel trolls on the internet. It’s come around again. Watch a few tutorials or walk around a cosmetics counter or aisle. Neutral, neutral, neutral. BORING and neutral has been the theme as of late.

If I ever see another neutral palette, I will not be responsible for my actions.

Also on the Internet, we have such a selection of Trad Wives to follow. Good girls, at home, baking bread and caring for their 15 million children. Straight out of Handmaid’s Tale, I swear. How are they dressed? No pants for the most part, neat, tidy, conservative, with no cleavage at all showing, and barely a shoulder or knee to be seen. Just like the Hitler Women.

The truth is that cults always control what is worn by its members. FLDS and their prairie dresses, Hare Krishnas with their saffron robes, Scientology with their imitation naval uniforms are all fine examples of wardrobe control in action. There are thousands more from more mainstream cults like Mormons all the way up to the far out of reality ones like Heaven’s Gate. Sometimes it’s a law and enforced, sometimes it’s a culture that’s readily adapted and accepted, but it’s almost always there.

It’s one of the ways those in power force us to walk in step.

And so, here is my decision. It’s not just about lipstick. It’s not just about red lipstick. It’s about creativity and freedom of expression. I don’t care which fashion you choose; it could be punk, goth, hippy, raver, disco, or alien. Rock that look; rock it hard. Rock it everywhere. Be a diva. Be YOURSELF.

It’s an open act of rebellion that we can all participate in. Yes, men are invited as well, because let’s face it, they’re not “supposed” to. Ha. Let’s show them they can’t break us.

The irony is that I finally found my “perfect” shade of red and decided I just can’t do it that often. My hair is blue, and I am waaaaay too fair skinned not to look like a flag. sigh

That’s okay though, I have some groovy shades of blue, purple, silver, gold, and even green now…🤣🤣🤣

Not All Women

Posted on by
Reply

Granted, the hashtag “not all men” is one of the most annoying hashtags ever to be seen on social media, so assume that the title of this piece is tongue-in-cheek. True, yes, but still tongue-in-cheek.

I’m not sure if it’s just because I am SO tired of the patriarchy and fighting it body and soul, or if it’s really because I am just that god-bothered, but I’ve come to the realization that there are reasons the Deities who are nudging me are, well, bothered. A lot. To put it in modern human terms, it would seem they have PR problems.

I realized that first, when Hera came knocking. Hard. Loud. Frequently. One thing I can tell you is that this particular Spirit is persistent. And I owed her (long story) so I’m pretty sure she was calling in the favor, so to speak.

My Hera journal from the Etsy store. A new depiction of Her is coming soon!

Hera in ALL Her glory

Seeing as how She is very loud, even my somewhat dense senses picked up Her displeasure with how She’s viewed by the world. Some sort of jealous stay-at-home wife who does nothing but try to thwart the offspring of her philandering husband. Um…

There’s just so much more to Her. (Sarcasm warning) Thanks, patriarchy.

Hercules? The name means “glory of Hera.” IF she was trying actively to kill him, which is still a possibility, there was a much different reason for it than we most commonly believe. I’m getting some messages on it, but none of them are really clear. Maybe we’ll know more definitively someday.

Goddesses, many of them at any rate, have been transformed over the centuries into “mother goddesses” even when their actual character is anything but motherly. Sure, they had children. Many times, they were incredibly fabulous mothers, but they’re not mother goddesses. It’s just sort of attached to them because, well, thank you patriarchy. (More sarcasm) After all, ALL WOMEN ARE TO BE MOTHERS.

F*ck that sh*t.

Could we just get off this merry-go-round? This insane obsession with the sex act and fertility. When will women be allowed to be something else with our lives? It isn’t just in the patriarchy at large, either. It’s been seeping into modern “paganism” since, well, the beginning of it, whenever the hell that was. That’s a whole other discussion.

Don’t get me wrong. Sex can be amazing. I’m just so damned tired of seeing it everywhere when there’s so much more to life, so much more to my life. I don’t really care about your sex life, or anyone’s for that matter. This culture is just obsessed with it and I’m losing what’s precious little is left of my sanity.

Not every woman, not every Goddess, falls neatly into one of the three designated and acceptable categories of “Maiden, Mother, Crone.” I’ve seen it written, for instance, that Hekate was once known as sister as one of Her three faces. I can’t remember the source on it, but it certainly made me think. If I come across it again, I’ll definitely link it here. I don’t remember the other two, unfortunately. Hey, I’m 56 and survived a lot of Grateful Dead concerts. My memory isn’t what it used to be…😵‍💫

My Hex the Patriarchy shirt starring Hekate at High Spirits Divine

We humans aren’t the only ones completely fed up with the patriarchy. A lot of our Deities and Spirits are as well. If you’re in touch with any, and you’re as fed up as I am, ask them to join you in our fight. I’m pretty sure that’s all most of them are waiting for.

There’s a couple, naturally, who are taking advantage of the patriarchy for their own reasons, and a few who would love to if they could find a way in. Let’s face it, Yahweh has got most of that action. But remember, there were traditions among many non-Christian groups upon-a-time to bribe the Gods of another group. Offering them to treat them better, give them bigger temples, better offerings, etc., in order to turn them against their original people. That’s definitely an angle to look at for some of the more belligerent Spirits.

Don’t forget your Ancestors, either. So many women, and men, fought damn hard to get us as far as we are in this world. So many humans fought against slavery, dehumanization, greed, war, prejudice, ignorance…in essence, whether they put the name to it or not, they fought the patriarchy long before we were even dreams in our parents’ heads. Believe me, I’ve got some angry ones.

Never Again Shirt on High Spirits Divine

Created to remember my own Ancestors, and many Others

If you’re a person who works with Spirits don’t forget the well-known ones; those who are remembered for the fights they lost and won. Maybe they’re not your Ancestors, but they have a vested interest in fighting this same patriarchy. Many of them are simply waiting to be asked.

This is, after all, our world. Our plane of existence. We have dominion here (another interpretation of that much-abused phrase). They need to be brought in, like a tagged wrestler, in order to join us in this battle. We need to bring in as many of them as we can. All hands-on deck, so to speak. Is that enough metaphors in one paragraph? I could squeeze in another one if I tried. 😁

This message is of course for those of us who Work with Spirits and/or Deities. If you don’t, if you’re an atheist witch or maybe an agnostic witch, just keep doing what you’re doing. I’m not about to tell anyone who or what to do with their magickal practices any more than I’d tell someone who, what, or how to worship. Freedom of religion, dammit, many of my Ancestors came to the US for that very reason, and I’ll defend it to my death. So will They.

I’m going to try really hard to get the next blog done faster! I have some very important new art to share with you all, and new designs coming!

~*~Camylleon~*~ 

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses…

Posted on by
Reply

Warning! Before you read any further, I’m about to discuss politics and magic in the same blog post. If you’ve no interest in either, feel free to move on. I’m aware that politics is a highly divisive subject and likely to lose me as many readers as I might gain from it. That’s fine. Leave with my blessing. I’m not going to hide my opinions on this subject because it’s beyond finances or policies, it’s about preserving the lives and liberty of people I love, including myself. 

I consider myself a Social Justice Witch. I haven’t had to Work much for myself and my family in years, thanks to My Spirits. I have the time and the energy to spend on the World and making it a better place for everyone. I realize not everyone has, and that everyone believes anything can be accomplished through Witchcraft, or Magic, or whatever you want to call it. I have dedicated myself to this now for years. 

Unbelievably, there’s an article from CBN (Christian Broadcast Network) of all places, that is making its rounds in the magical world. Inasmuch as I would never consider CBN to be a viable news source, the original source, if you will, seems to be The Toronto Star, These witches are trying to use their power to defeat Donald Trump. From there, Birmingham, Alabama’s ABC affiliate dug into Reddit to find a post regarding witches discussing the feeling that their spells just weren’t doing it, Self-proclaimed Witches Say Spells Won’t Work on Trump. 

Then, and only then, did it reach the radar of CBN among others. So now, of course, the Christian Nationalists who are fans of the current administration and it’s beloved “Project 2025” are aware of all this. I finally became aware of all this through a couple of different YouTube channels that I follow who had their own commentaries on this. One channel is primarily politics, and laughed at the whole concept more, or less. The other, a “witchy” channel, unfortunately agreed.

I say unfortunately, because if you’re one of the people who believe this, you need to take a good long look at yourself.

My first take on all this is that if you don’t think your spells are working, or believe that they can’t work, they won’t work. I realize that “faith” is something of a dirty word in magical circles these days, but the truth is that faith has a lot to do with magic. Faith in yourself, your gods, the vibrations of materials, whatever, but it’s faith, nonetheless. You must believe.

Your disbelief will undercut every Work you do. This is one of the reasons that some people in Chaos Magic working with Sigils will do the best they can to actually forget what they just did. If you forget, you can’t doubt. You can’t attack and self-defeat your Workings. You set them free to do what they were engineered to do and go on with your life.

It’s one of the hardest things to do in magic, to forget, to not worry, to absolutely believe that what you’ve just done will have the effect you desire. It takes an amount of confidence that, frankly, makes some people in the culture socially unsufferable. But that’s a topic for a different day.

My next point is that it takes time. Sometimes, it takes a lot of time for spellwork to Work. Just look at how many different parts have to be moved and shifted in order to change something as HUGE as the President of the United States. Just “binding” him is a feat of extraordinary scope, and that’s if all the participants of the group effort have the same concept of what binding even is. Binding him might not even be the best action to take.

This is my own personal opinion, as a poly-spiritist and a Social Justice Witch. Your perspectives will undoubtedly be different but give me a chance to express myself here. I mean, it is my blog after all. Their “god” is not omnipotent, omnipresent, or omnipotent any more than any other god. There, I said it. If you’re worried about him being protected by prayer, well, give their god a prayer of your own. There were cultures upon-a-time that would actually bribe the gods of the enemy, often successfully. They would simply promise the enemy’s deity that they would take better care of them, dedicate a temple, or a shrine or something. Might be worth a try.

You could also pray to one of the other gods of their Holy Book. Turn him in to Elohim or Asherah, for instance. Historically speaking, Yahweh was likely originally a god in the pantheon that was ruled by El, and the pantheon would have been referred to as Elohim. Asherah was the wife of Yahweh. One of them might have something to say about Yahweh’s behavior. Or, as some Christian Witches believe, the “god” of Christian Nationalists might be an Egregore. In which case, appealing to Yahweh, the true God of Christianity, might set that straight. That’s all, of course, if you’re a cleric type of magical person. If you don’t Work with deities, you’ve got a lot of other options.

Don’t attack the tree, attack the roots. Use your Craft and go after the members of Heritage Foundation, the Republican Party, various YouTube Evangelists and influencers. Go after Shittler. Divide and conquer by sewing discord between the various factions who support this regime. Influence your local governments, open the eyes of people individually to see what is actually going on with the Republican party and how it’s been taken over and replaced by what appears to be pure evil. Much like the rebellion that finally started in the GOP when the regime began attacking Medicare, Social Security, and Medicaid, you might see reactions when they realize that artificial insemination, condoms, and porn are on the cutting block according to Project 2025 as well. Facts matter; it’s just a question of what facts matter in whose life.

For those of us who are seriously opposed to interfering with the free will of anyone, there are plenty of options. Protecting the most vulnerable in our society, the most endangered, would be at the top of my list. Or hiding them. Giving strength and energy to those who are on the front lines of the battle, protestors, politicians, independent journalists, etc., and protecting them as they voice their opposition to Cheetolini.

There are so many roles to fill, so many possible ways to put your energy out into the world where it will make the most difference. No one is completely protected. No one is completely shielded. We just have to find the chink in the armor, much like the loose scale on the belly of Smaug. We have to be creative, sure, and direct hits will likely be deflected. That doesn’t mean we give up. It means we fight harder and more consistently.

It’s Just Business?

Posted on by
Reply

Can I tell you how much I detest that phrase? I’ve never had any use for it, and some of the worst people in my life have used that as an excuse for all sorts of horrid actions. It’s never been just business to me.

But then, I think I’ve vented about that before. I am me. I’ve worked very hard, and I’m still working very hard, to be me. I will not divide myself into bite-sized chunks for easy digestion. It just doesn’t work that way. My religion, witchcraft, crafts, arts, politics, humor, disabilities, and neuro-spiciness can’t be parsed out.

When I was searching my brain for a business name, for a brand, as they call it, I wanted something all-encompassing. Like this blog, it was going to be my home, so I needed to be comfortable in it, and feel it expressed all those facets of me-ness. I’ve had a few bad business names in my life, and I’ve seethed with jealousy at friends who just had the best, most creative, most interesting business names. No one seemed to be able to help me with that, though. I don’t know why but all those friends with brilliant business names weren’t able to help me come up with one for mine.

I was on my own.

The breakthrough came when I managed to get an email address with no numbers or extra letters for the name of one of my all-time favorite movies; “High Spirits.”

It’s an older movie, so I expect almost no one has seen it, and of the few who have, I suspect you might not remember it. Without exaggeration, this is one of the most accurate movies about Spirits I have ever seen.

Yes, it is a comedy. I mean, with Peter O’Toole and Steve Guttenberg I doubt there was any doubt in your minds about that. And still, a very realistic portrayal of Spirits. They are, for me at least, very much as they were in life. I don’t see them, so I don’t see the disintegration of the body so much as depicted in this movie, although I’ve hears some psychics who claim to see them this way. I have the feeling for the movie, it was more of a costume decision than an attempt at realism, though.

Obviously, that’s about all my business has in common with this movie. But it was definitely the inspiration. I could see that some would assume it was “high” as in certain recreational and medicinal substances “high,” but that wasn’t part of my inspiration for the business at the time. It is one of my me-ness facets, though, as I do use that substance medicinally as I have peripheral neuropathy. It’s one of the few substances I have found that actually works for nerve pain and is an excellent substitute for the prescription medicine that would otherwise be my only other choice.

Not that kind of “high spirits”!

There is a play on words here, though. Because in Spiritism I learned that praying for the Spirits enlightens them. A word play that absolutely works better in English. As a polytheistic Spiritist, as opposed to the normal Catholic flavor, I don’t necessarily see prayer as the connection here, but I do believe that communicating, working with them, and caring for them does “raise” them in a way. It’s not as much a matter of getting into heaven as it is improving the life of their incarnation present with me in this time frame but also gives them something of an edge on the other side. The details are still a bit unclear, but it’s what I’ve been hearing lately.

Naturally, the exact name of “High Spirits” was not available on Etsy. Which is fine. I don’t think I’d want it to be exact as then there could be potential conflict with the movie. As much as it is an inspiration for my business name, I did like the idea of setting myself apart. The obvious choice for me was to add “Divine.” More word play for the win!

Divine because for most of us, at least, the Spirits I am creating for are considered “Gods.” Whatever that is. 😉Gods are, no matter their characteristics, the definition of “Divine.” A word play needs two different meanings at least, so let’s throw on there that I also use divination to determine what to do for whom. Well, often I do at least. Sometimes it’s more of a known factor, and sometimes I have to whip out my pendulum and ask. I’m slowly becoming less dependent on the pendulum which is a big “YAY”. For a third part to this fun little word play, divine with a lower-case d, as in my designs are “divine.” Beautiful, or at least I like to think so.

There’s part of the Origin Story for High Spirits Divine Jewelry & Sundries 🙂. There’s more, of course, and I’ll get to it one of these days. In the meantime, I have some Dionysus products that I need to get out and some edits on Brigid I’m working on!

Honestly, these two are having a great time being difficult!

Do yourself a favor. If you haven’t watched High Spirits, give it a whirl. It’s on YouTube for free.

Business Anxiety Relief

Posted on by
Reply

I have the best customers in the world.

There are a lot of companies, businesses, and people out there who might say that, but I actually mean it. I was really scared about customers when I first started with Etsy. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have been. But you hear things, you know? Horror stories of people trying to return things and claiming they’re broken or lost or whatever, just to get their money back.

That kind of thing can really hurt a small business. As a business of one, my business is about as small as it can get. I’m probably even more paranoid because I’ve already closed one business. That hurt. A lot. It was frightening going back into the deep end. Hell, it took me about 13-14 years to recover enough to think about it. So yeah, I was scared.

When I started in on POD, I was even scared-er. It’s a new world. I have no control, really, on quality control, something I’ve always been extremely proud of with my jewelry and other beaded pieces. I have to trust that the company I’ve chosen is going to take care of my customers. YIKES. BIG YIKES!

As the holiday season began, and I actually had sales, I started to encounter problems. Not big ones, but still, problems. I was nervous and freaking out. A lot. My printers ran out of the mousepads I’m printing my pendulum pads on, the round ones, and of course I got an order for one. PANIC! I had no idea if they had simply run out of them, or if they were discontinuing them.

This just wouldn’t look the same if it were square!

Nervous beyond necessity, I messaged the printers first to try and find out if I was even going to be able to carry these things any more. Then, before it would be humanly possible for anyone to answer that question, I messaged the customer. I told them the situation, and a whole list of possible options. I could have it printed on a square mousepad, or we could upgrade it to either the wooden board or the leather one, but I couldn’t even get a preview of the leather one yet, so I had no IDEA what it would look like. Or we could wait, and see what the printers said.

My goodness, they were amazing. SO understanding, patient, and almost nonchalant about what seemed like a life-or-death situation to me! 🙂To say I was relieved was an understatement.

That story, of course, ended exactly as you probably thought it would. They had simply run short, in a couple of days they had refilled the supply, and it was printed and speedily on the way to that WONDERFUL human. Phew.

I’ve mentioned I have anxiety, right?

There was a “horrible” misprint of a Hekate journal that another customer ended up with. By horrible, I mean it was mildly wrinkled on a corner, and part of the cover wasn’t properly printed all the way to the edge. That can happen. But, naturally, I freaked out again. Another wonderful customer, though! They happily provided me with the photographic evidence I needed for the printer and BAM! Just like that it’s reprinted and flying on the way to them. Handled.

There was just a small, squished dent in one corner, but it was devastating to me!

WHY do I always panic?

Then, there are the customers who don’t know how wonderful, warm and fuzzy they’ve made me feel.

Every time one of the “patriarchy” variations sells, my heart sings. Every time I sell one overseas, even though the postage is outrageous, I feel absolutely loved. The latest was a customer who was not only overseas, but bought a shirt in a multiple X size. As a person of extra girth myself, it was really important to me to find sizes that go as high as I could possibly get, so I’ve chosen a printer who, at least in most styles, offers up to 5x. I’m irritated as hell that they charge me so much more for the larger sizes, but if I start selling more and can spread out the loss, I won’t pass that on to the customer anymore. If. I hope to. 💜 Knowing that someone purchased it, and appreciated it’s availability even though I had to charge more? Priceless.

Maybe someday I’ll stop panicking every time I run into a speedbump. With customers like this, I’m sure to. That and continuing my therapy!

It’s Wonderful

Posted on by
Reply

Nothing’s Written in Stone

One of my favorite benefits to not following a written doctrine is that I get to “rewrite” my beliefs to my heart’s content. No one tells me what to believe, nothing at all is written in stone. I can bend, flex, shrug things off, and turn completely around as much as I like. I don’t normally do the complete 180 degrees, but I often go off at right angles.

My most complicated question for myself is what do I call myself. Not many people care, I think, and I don’t know why I do. Christians have it pretty easy with this. The denomination of the church you attend has a name, the church has a name. There are neat and tidy labels for everything.

With my just a “touch” of OCD, I do love labels. Too much. I guess in some way I crave them. I imagine the other factor in that it is damn hard to find a community if you don’t have a label. In order to agree on something, it’s sort of necessary to define it.

Granted, everyone seems to be okay with the myriad of terms that we all grab at to use daily. Pagan, neo-pagan, Wiccan, witch are all sort of used interchangeably. I wonder frequently if the people using these terms actually understand them. I mean, I knew a couple who proudly claimed to be “Wiccan” but had never heard of Aradia, which I would have considered mandatory reading upon a time. I guess I’m old! 😁

The long form of what I call myself, to those who actually ask, is “hard-polytheistic, poly-pantheonic Spiritist.” Even then I lose half the people I’m talking to. Few people seem to know the difference between “Spiritist” and “Spiritualist,” and lemme tell ya there is a pretty big difference there. However, even people who constantly practice Spiritism actually know what it is, or that it’s what they do. It’s what they’ve learned, and that’s what they practice, it’s just that simple.

Okay, it’s not actually that simple, but we’re not going down that particular rabbit hole today, if you don’t mind. If you really want to know and are just dying of curiosity, feel free to drop me a message or comment here, and I’ll get around to it!

I’m not even going to discuss the people who would tell me, vehemently, that you can’t work with Deities from different Pantheons. This is my belief system and I can do whatever I feel I am supposed to do, and it’s between myself and the Entities I Work with. You can do the same. I might think your beliefs are ridiculous, and you might think mine are. I won’t pick on you if you don’t pick on me. However, if you really feel pressed to tell me what I’m doing “wrong” be aware I’ll do the same for you. Also, thanks to therapy, I have learned how to use tools such as the “block button” efficiently and with great pleasure!

To review, I used to embrace the title of “Omnist.” It seemed to embrace everything all at once, which I loved. I still do, but it seems as though someone has organized some sort of religious grouping–church, coven, grove, temple, whatever–and named it Omnist. That wouldn’t bother me at all, except they seem to have dug up the old “ALL GODS ARE ONE GOD” thing, which is exactly opposite my own views. Once you’ve interacted with a Spirit of any kind, you get a feel for them, and they are all different. Extremely different, in some cases.

Whether or not I’m communicating directly with Gods or with their representatives or messengers isn’t quite clear to me yet but, they’re still different. With their own personalities, and methods of getting messages through to my very think mortal head. I just can’t get down with soft-polytheism.

As much as I want to belong to the right label, I equally don’t want to belong to the wrong label. So Omnism is officially out. For me, at any rate. Individual results will, as always, vary.

It didn’t take as long to find my very own personal term, one that I’ve never heard from anyone else, but is so incredibly simple that I think it’s moderately brilliant. Or not. Whichever, lol. As far as I know I’m the first, especially as there are so few people who actually know what Spiritism is, and that the majority of practitioners of Spiritism are Catholic (much as most of those who practice Voodoo are). They don’t really travel in “pagan” circles very often.

I know absolutely embrace the label of “poly-Spiritist.” Many, many spirits. Since my core belief gets down to one principle, that being that all Gods, Demons, Angels, Demi-gods, Daimons, Ancestors, Disincarnate Human Spirits, Fae, Orishas, Lwa, etc., are all Spirits, just different types of Spirits, I think it fits me pretty damn well.

Another difference between my own practice and others is the lack of worship. I don’t worship any Entity. I respect them, I love them, I cooperate with them, I give them “offerings,” and treats of various kinds, but it’s not in a spirit of worship. It’s rather in a spirit of love. I do these things because I want to, not because they’re demanded of me or because there’s some sort of pre-ordained ritual I must partake in because of the date or moon phase or what-have-you. We Work together. I can’t call it a friendship exactly, because they are not like me in many, many ways. But there’s no kneeling in this House. They’re my guides, my teachers, my family, my Guardians.

I am still a Witch, and always have been, always will be regardless of religious observations. Call it as you will, I practice magic or magick, whichever. I don’t often feel it necessary to perform much for myself or my family. There’s not much I have the need for in my own life. My husband and I have been married for more than 20 years, so I’ve no need of love spells. We have enough of what we need in this world, so I’ve no need of money work. I find myself with talent, time, and knowledge, but not a lot to do. This is why I’ve started my Social Justice Witchcraft. Unlike many, I am fortunate enough to have the time to Work for the larger world. For my friends, for those who are currently threatened in this social climate, for people not even here yet. That’s a different rabbit-hole, though. I’ll likely write about that sooner or later.

I am well and truly content in my life. If the phrase “by their fruits you shall know them” has any truth to it at all, I feel I must be doing something right. Which is why I say it’s wonderful. If the day comes that I have to fake Christianity in order to live, I could do that, but I’ll never abandon my Spirits. They are the wonderful that makes my whole life wonderful.

I am My Own Worst Enemy. Again.

Posted on by
Reply

Last August, I started a store on Etsy. I’ve been making jewelry and other beaded crafts forever, and I thought, “why not?” I’d started making jewelry again, just for myself after a very long break. I was burned out. Not from the store, but from the additional drama and stupid emotional decisions I’d made while there.

Like I said in the title, again.

Having learned all those lessons and more, and having started my therapy jewelry, I started to believe I was healthy enough to at least wear my artwork. And I am. But selling it?

I’m in the middle of it now, so there’s no easy way of going back. 🙃

I didn’t go into this Etsy thing blind. I started, as most people do these days I suppose, with YouTube. I found a variety of Etsy “coaches,” each one having their own view on how to do Etsy “right.” Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of HORRIBLE “coaches” on YouTube. Especially post-pandemic. During the pandemic, you could throw almost anything up on Etsy and it would magically sell. Many self-appointed gurus took that and ran with it, making more money off of telling people how to make 100,000 a year off of Print-on-Demand.

Ummm…no. No, thanks.

Luckily, I wasn’t looking for a get-rich-quick scheme, so I avoided the worst of them. But I did find three potentially good coaches right away, and several I was keeping an eye on because they were still very “young” in YouTube terms. Good, but unproven. The coach I finally settled on had so much free content that I was flabbergasted. I learned so much just watching her free how-to videos. Not only that, but as I’m not Christian, she was obviously more accepting and understanding of the niche I’d intended to go into.

Somewhere between absorbing everything I could from her free content, and finally taking the dive into taking her course, I went from thinking I had the gist of SEO and believing I was awful at it, it was no good, and I sucked.

Self-esteem is one of my worst problems. Sigh

In that same space, I started to understand the POD world. I had started a Canva account because it was recommended by the Coaches, to use for the Etsy banner, and social media posts. I had begun getting arthritis in my fingers, and this was a different kind of creation that I could do and use different parts of my hands, at least.

  • One of the newer POD items; my very own Hekate design on a pendulum mat (mouse pad, lol). I’m pretty proud of this one!

I also started learning the fine art of resin pouring. 😉When I get some decent photos of those pieces, I’ll share them here first!

I also took a photo course through another coach who is AMAZING, that I learned of from my Etsy Coaches. Extra bonus points!

But…

There I was, about two months before my second Q4 go around. The first go round, I made…0. Nada. Zilch. I was hopeful that this Q4 would be better. And it was. Probably not as good as it could have been if I hadn’t absolutely given up on my SEO and just not added any at all. On 254 listings. Ouch.

If you don’t know what SEO is, it stands for Search Engine Optimization. My best explanation of it is that those are the sweet little words that people looking for what I’ve got use to search for it. If I have the same words the customers are using, then it’s a match and you’ll probably find me. If not, well, the chances anyone will find me are slim and none. Right.

Panic stricken, I started to add SEO and wouldn’t you know it? The same SEO I was using before landed my listings on the “front page” according to Erank. In other words, I was using the right SEO and didn’t know it. I had stopped adding SEO for no apparently good reason at all. I just didn’t have faith in myself.

I was still in panic mode, though. I had not only SEO for 254 listings to do but also had to create photos for 254 listings. At least 5 per listing. 254 times 5…

1270 photos.

Needless to say, I did not get it all done by the start of Q4. In fact, it’s still not all done. I’m finally okay with that. I let it go.

I did have better sales this year than last year, which isn’t surprising at all. I’m sure I could have done even better with SEO on everything, and I will get there. I don’t yet rely on this income, so I have some time. With the economy as it is now, I wasn’t even really expecting much. There’s nothing I make currently that would be necessary for anyone’s existence. Some of us are walking that line, and I get that.

The other contributing problem I encountered was my programming from Corporate America. Let’s face it, we’re trained from early on to work harder and faster, harder and faster, with less and less. This is my business. I’m the boss and the only employee. It’s not about doing things fast and getting them done “good enough.” It’s about doing it well, making things people will love that I can be proud of, and taking my time doing it right, not fast.

The SEO will get done when the SEO gets done. I’m committed to doing one or two, maybe even three listings a day, at a minimum. That’s enough. The rest of the time I can then commit to things like making new things, marketing, taking the best pictures I can, and customer service which means a LOT to me. 😎 I can honestly say that so far I’ve got the best customers on earth, EVER.

Oh, and I can finally get around to starting that email list I keep meaning to get to!

Therapy is working. I’m an old dog, but I’m learning some new tricks. I’m onto myself, too. When I approach something and feel like I just can’t do it right, I need to stop and think. Is it all in my head, or is there something to it? I really need to make friends with myself. I think that’s one of my major lessons to conquer in therapy.